Tag: personal experience

jersey

by hovering love

March Madness is winding to its conclusion and the baseball season has begun. Screens of all shapes and sizes are filled with images of athletes wearing team jerseys of all colors and styles. Stadiums, auditoriums, streets and bars are filled with folks wearing team jerseys, too—all cheering for and hoping to celebrate their favorite team, the team they’ve chosen to identify themselves with.

I recently attended a retreat and decided to spend a few extra moments of quiet reflection in the monastery sanctuary before heading home. As I gazed upon the image of Jesus above the altar area, the memory of all the different jerseys entered my mind. I was suddenly struck with the thought that I was on Jesus’ team. Having been a person who never played team sports in my youth (females born in the 1950’s had little to no opportunity for that kind of experience) and who was frequently picked last for any games in PE class that required a team, this was a rather exciting epiphany. “I may be getting old, but at least now I’m on a team,” the thought of which almost made me laugh out loud.

As I drove home, my mind was filled with the array of team jerseys that we can wear in life that have nothing to do with athletics or sports. We have metaphorical jerseys for family, friends, school, work, hometown, interests, preferences, opinions, ideologies, ethnicity, socio-economic status, education, etc. We Christians can also have our own “jerseys” for denominational affiliation, and even the individual church that we attend. These various jerseys can give us a sense of belonging, but they can also promote a feeling of exclusivity and division. I’ve attended various kinds of churches throughout the years. Maybe that’s why I’ve never felt the need to own or wear the kind of “jerseys” that Christians can wear. This led me to ponder what Jesus’ team jersey would look like. Unlike the jerseys for all the things mentioned above (including denomination and church), which are often available in only one color and a size that supposedly “fits all”, each Jesus jersey would be made with its unique wearer in mind. The garment would be sized to fit perfectly. It would be made of a richly textured cloth that keeps you cool in the summer and warm in the winter, and it would breathe and move with you without encumbering in any way. And the colors! Jesus’ team would have jerseys of every color, in every shade and hue that exists, made in the exact color that will enhance the original beauty of its wearer and render them radiantly gorgeous—just the kind of jersey that even I am enticed to wear.

What jersey are you wearing today?

 

 

 

measure

by hovering love

“All throughout his time with his disciples, Jesus had demonstrated a deep and tender love for them. And now he longed to show them the full measure of his love.”  John 13:1

Dear Jesus,

What does it look like for you to demonstrate the “full measure of your love” for me?  The full measure of your love appears to be that it’s immeasurable, far too vast and never-ending to sufficiently survey, value or assess.  How do I measure that which is immeasurable?  I don’t believe that I can; the very best that I can do is simply allow myself to receive and experience its fullest effects.

What does it look like for me to demonstrate the “full measure of my love” for you, and for others? I’ve never deluded myself by imagining that the same could be said of my love—immeasurable.  However, I have been created in your image—the image of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. If that is true, and I believe it is, then I cautiously suspect that the real measure of my love is much different than I’ve ever reckoned it to be.  In your image, it only makes sense that the love that my heart and soul have to offer is much larger, deeper and longer lasting than anything I’m usually inclined to give it credit for, or even explore.  I believe this to be true; yet, help me in my unbelief.  I often feel that I don’t have much love to give.  At the same time, I do realize that the smallest amount of love can go a long way—if I am willing to take the risk to put it out there, express it, and demonstrate it  and  if I can just get past the fear.

Throughout my life, love has frequently felt like a dangerous experience for me—like inadvertently placing myself out on a limb that someone is already in the process of sawing off.  As a result, I’ve learned to “measure” out my love, with the care, caution and hypersensitivity of a frightened animal.  This is the condition of my heart and soul without the touch and transformation of your immeasurable love.  But now that your touch and transformation have come to me, I must realize that the measure of my love is no longer as it was.  The cowering, frightened animal is an illusion, not my reality.  The time has come for me to say “good bye” to the fear so I can live into the real, renewed measure of my love, both for you and for others.  It’s time for me to step into and rejoice in my own immeasurable love—the share of your divinity that you have placed within me.  If I promise to exercise the measure of courage that I possess, will you show me what it looks like for me to demonstrate the full measure of my love?

As always,

I am yours, and yours alone.

 

geese

by hovering love

“Even now, I know that whatever you ask God he will give you . . . I know that he will be raised up in the resurrection at the end of time . . . All along I have believed that you are the Messiah, the Son of God who comes into the world.” John 11:22, 24, 27 (The Message)

Martha has known and believed the truth about Jesus “all along”. She believes she’ll see her brother, Lazarus, again at the resurrection at the end of time (she’s obviously not a Sadducee). She also believes that God gives Jesus whatever he asks for. Lazarus has died and been in the tomb for 4 days. What hope is Martha harboring in her heart and soul? The yearning to have her brother alive again is powerfully strong, but would it ever occur to her to ask Jesus to restore Lazarus to life today—not just at the end of time? How far into the unimaginable does Martha’s knowledge and belief extend? Could she ever be bold enough to ask Jesus for such a thing to occur in the present moment?

I relate to Martha. Like her, I know and believe in Jesus as Messiah, Son of God. He is my Savior, Brother, Friend, and Shepherd. But how far into the unimaginable does my knowledge, belief and faith extend? Far too often, I feel that my knowledge, belief and faith are too limited by my earthly experiences of life and by my thoughts. Like most humans, my thoughts throughout the day frequently resemble a cocktail party of geese—honking loudly and persistently with little depth or any real thinking involved. With that kind of racket going on, how can anyone hope to think clearly and perceptively at all? I yearn to be set free from these limitations, but I also fear what I don’t know and have never personally experienced. How can I escape the “geese” and enter into that place where real thinking occurs and true insight is perceived—my own heart and soul?

As I sit still, quieting my own heart and mind, I can perceive more than I could otherwise imagine. Is it possible that deep down within Martha’s heart and soul, she knows what she wants (Lazarus to arise from death now) and she knows and believes that Jesus can make it happen? That sounds like both insight and perception. But her conscious thinking (geese) can’t relate or even consider this due to the limited earthly experience that she’s had (she’s only been taught and believes that resurrection occurs in the end times). However, her heart and soul know the truth, even if her thoughts are lagging behind. Without her realizing it, her heart and soul speak the truth of her desire and beliefs without her conscious thoughts having a clue to the truth and reality that her heart and soul possess. Like all humans, Martha needs to trust and live from her heart and soul (that’s what makes her human) and not from her geese-like thoughts or limited ability to logically reason (that’s what makes her earthly, and influenced by Western philosophy). Just like Martha, so do I! Only then will I be set free from my limitations. Only then will I experience the fullness of life in Christ that both Jesus and I yearn for me to have, live and be.

Show me how this transformation works, Jesus. Please enable my heart and soul knowledge, faith and belief to be the reality of my daily life experience. Amen!

 

 

 

valentine

by hovering love

I grew up as the only child of a single mom when divorce was uncommon and shame was attached to being from a “broken home”. My parents were separated while my mom was pregnant with me, and their divorce became final when I was only months old. The divorce was final in every way—I was completely abandoned by my father and his entire family upon my birth. As my mom slowly obtained better jobs with slowly increasing pay, we moved a lot—on average once every two years—to better apartments, better neighborhoods, better schools. As a child growing up, “love” for me consisted of very simple things: my mom picking me up from daycare and taking me home at the end of a long day; my grandma loving and respecting me for who I was (NO shame) and caring for me as her own child when my mom needed a hand; my grandpa allowing me to wrestle the slightest of grins from his lips as a result of the most absurd antics on my part (he had a tender heart, but was outwardly rather stoic); and my beloved confidante and pet poodle, Crissie, letting me dress her in my Chatty Cathy clothes to play and licking my tears away when she was the only one who saw me cry.

Like everyone else, I grew up as best I could. Adolescence and adulthood brought a myriad of complexities, struggles, stresses, and expectations—from the world around me, from loved ones and friends, and from myself. I had thought that when I grew up I would have all the answers and know which way to go, but I found out just how little I knew and how directionless I could be. Life and love didn’t seem so simple any more. Fortunately, that wasn’t to be the final trajectory of my life. Someone who had been watching over me as I progressed from birth (and even before then) made himself known to me: God. Hesitantly and warily at first, I slowly found myself grabbing for every bit of life and love, knowledge and understanding, direction and peace that God had to offer to me. Our journey together began 49 years ago, and I have experienced much in that time. I have wandered near and far, passing through many and varied stages, phases and developmental changes. Though I can easily become flustered and frustrated with life and myself on planet earth, I have come to accept the fact that I know very little and often have no idea of where I’m going next. It is a conundrum to me, but I have learned to be at peace with this truth and my reality.

From time to time, I feel unsettled, tired and confused—I sense that God is trying to teach me something that I can’t yet see or hear or perceive or understand or live. I want to know and live the truth—about God, about myself, about others, about life, about love. I desire the freedom to be all that God created me to be, and desires for me. I long for that which outwardly appears complex, but inwardly is really rather simple. That’s when God reminds me that his love and longing for me is strong, powerful, unbeatable and unending. He never has and never will leave me alone. He is completely and absolutely trustworthy. He watches me proudly as I continue to embrace all that I do know, perceive, understand and live regarding God and his kingdom ways. And he is always there to help me as I wait attentively and anticipate expectantly what he will reveal to me, and how he will direct me in all the days that I have yet to come.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Father God, Son Jesus, and Holy Spirit!

You are worthy of my love, and you have it. Your love for me is REAL!

cat

by hovering love

“For against its will the universe itself has had to endure the empty futility resulting from the consequences of human sin. But now, with eager expectation, all creation longs for freedom from its slavery to decay and to experience with us the wonderful freedom coming to God’s children.” Romans 8:20, 21 (TPT)

I recently attended a one-day retreat at a local monastery, and I decided to arrive one day early so I could bask in some quiet solitude before the retreat began. I had been reading through the book titled Discernment by Henri Nouwen, and I took the book with me for more reading and reflection. As I pondered chapter 4, entitled Read the Book of Nature, I began to perceive Romans 8:20, 21 in a new way. I had understood that all of creation is “groaning” as it waits for Christ’s return and the renewal of all things, but I had never really considered nature’s experience of this. I read this verse in several Bible translations and I was struck by how The Passion Translation expressed its meaning. Phrases like “against its will” and “consequences” and “slavery” grabbed my attention and imagination. I know from my own life experience that it’s hard enough to suffer consequences as a result of your own poor choices, but to suffer the consequences of others’ poor choices really sucks big time—and this is what all of creation has been experiencing throughout time: consequences resulting from the choices of others. I have always loved and enjoyed nature, but this epiphany led me to a new and deeper empathy for nature.

I suddenly had a desire to walk among the grove of trees on the monastery grounds so I went outside for a stroll. As I walked through the trees, I began to wonder which ones where my age and which ones were older than I. I came to one tree whose trunk was too immense for me to reach around, and I knew that this tree was certainly my elder. I took a very good, long look at this tree. Winter had removed all of its leaves and I was able to notice its shape, places of scars and brokenness as well as the smaller branches of the previous summer’s growth. I saw the tree as a being, not a thing, and my heart broke. I found myself apologizing, out loud, to the tree for the consequences that it has experienced as a result of my choices and those of the rest of humankind. I asked for the tree’s forgiveness. As I stood with the tree, I felt a sense of inner peace, and I took that to mean that I had been forgiven. I felt very thankful for the solemn and sacred moment that we had shared.

I walked on through more of the trees, sitting under a few as I soaked up the thin warmth of the winter sun. I felt an amiable companionship between us all. As I walked back toward the building where I was staying, I passed an old building where the sisters make pottery. The door to the building had a small “cat door” in the bottom and I noticed a cat sitting just outside the door, soaking up the warmth of the late afternoon sun. At first she didn’t seem to notice my presence, but then her eyes opened. She looked directly at me, a look of stereotypical feline aloofness. I smiled and nodded in return. We gazed at each other for a few moments and then I spoke to her, out loud, as I had to the tree. I apologized for disturbing her peaceful enjoyment of the sun. She just looked at me, expressing nothing, as cats often do. Then I asked for her forgiveness, as I had done with the tree. For a moment or two, she continued to just look at me. Then she closed her eyes and slowly nodded her head up and down three times. She opened her eyes, gazing at me as she had done before, and then she turned and disappeared through the cat door into the pottery building. I was dumbfounded and amazed, but I felt no doubt that she also had forgiven me . . . just like the tree. I have no idea what the cat’s name is, but I have chosen to remember her as Grace. I felt humbled by the kindness of the tree and the cat, and the generous hospitality of all of nature to share its home with me. I have never felt more one with all of creation than at that moment! I intend to continue to ask nature, and all of creation, for forgiveness. To do so is the way of reconciliation and peace.

yes

by hovering love

“Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God.” Luke 1:30 (TNIV)

“Yes, I see it all now: I’m the Lord’s maid, ready to serve. Let it be with me just as you say.” Luke 1:38 (The Message)

Understandably, Mary is shaken by what’s happening to her: being visited by an angel, being told she’ll conceive a baby via the Holy Spirit, and give birth to God’s son. Remarkable! Extraordinary! This is way too much for any mere mortal to take in; yet, the angel provides Mary with just enough information to enable Mary to “see” what she needs to see in order for her to make the choice to agree with God and surrender herself to God’s plan—for herself, and the world. Of course, she “sees” so little at this point—hardly anything compared with all that she can’t see yet. But she sees enough, and acts upon what she does see. Overwhelmed as she must be by her circumstances, Mary does not give in to her fears. Her response to the angel, and to God, is “Yes.” I’m delighted and amazed by Mary’s simple, childlike faith in God. I’m a bit amused by her naivety, imagining that she sees it all. I’m also filled with wonder and awe of God’s tender love for the young woman that he has chosen to be his mother!

Though Mary’s and my circumstances are so very different, there is one way in which we (and all of humanity) are very similar. There is so little that we humans do see, so little that we do know; yet, God always gives us just enough insight to act upon. That kind of situation seems scary, but God tells us not to fear. God’s tender love for us all is sure and unchanging, and his word to us never fails. I hear his words to me now:

“Hold firmly, tightly, onto what child-like faith that you have. Just as I chose Mary to be my mother, I have chosen you to be my sister, friend and full-time companion. Say “Yes” to me unreservedly and I will birth myself within you—freeing you to be your true self and empowering you to be my partner for life, eternally loving and being loved by Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I have chosen to live and love in and through you! Say, “Yes”!

Father, Son and Holy Spirit, may it be to me according to your word! Amen!

child

by hovering love

“Unless you accept God’s kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you’ll never get in.” Luke 18:17 (The Message)

If a child is going to hold tight to something, it will be to the one who cares for them: a parent, grandparent or guardian. There is only one exception, or perhaps addition, that I’ve seen to that truth: their “security” item (a blanket, stuffed animal or toy, etc.). But even then, a child usually has only one security item, not “mansions” filled with items like adults will endeavor to have. A child’s trust and security seems to be very simple and focused, for example: “my mommy and my blanket”. That’s all that’s really needed for a child to be happy and content, to feel safe and secure, and for them to rest and be at peace. Situations of extreme poverty can cause this not to be essentially true, and some parents who are currently in the trenches of raising their children may beg to differ with me as well, but as I look back over my years in those trenches, I recognize that a large part of what a child really needs is one loving, caring relationship and one treasured item. These “possessions” can provide comfort and stability for children, even when their situation is less than favorable. As I ponder this reality, I can’t help but ask myself, “What one relationship and one item can provide the same for me?”

I recognize a longing within myself for the freedom to be a simple child who lives a simple life consisting of one relationship and one item of comfort and familiarity. But living this simple lifestyle would require that I let go of the many things that I have acquired as an adult. I fear the real and imagined loss of “selling all that I have, giving to the poor and following Jesus”. How could this even be possible for me to do; after all, I have a spouse and a house filled with items and the decision to keep or dispose of these items is not up to me to make alone. Now I not only feel longing and fear, but I’m beginning to feel a bit trapped as well! Like Jesus’ disciples, I find myself wondering what must I do to be saved from my dilemma!

In the midst of my silent listening, I hear God say this to me.

“Doing is a trap, a trap that you can’t escape on your own. You must have help—from others and from God—to escape the trap’s “teeth” or grip. The process of getting rid of your item-filled house must be one that you walk through with your spouse. The “community” aspect of this process is your teacher and guide—be attentive and learn from it. In your own childhood, you grew up as an only child never knowing the irritations or the joys of having and being a sibling. As an adult, you have been the mother who has raised offspring to adulthood, often marveling and being mystified by the sibling interactions that you’ve witnessed among your children—the comforting familiarities as well as the oppressive pitfalls. As I now “grow you back down” to the simplicity of a child, your life in community with your spouse (and others) gives you the opportunity to experience life as a sibling, as co-heirs with each other and with Jesus before God, the Father. This is not something that you do. It’s something that you are. Be who you are. Be my darling child who clings to my neck for dear life, not ever letting go. Cling tightly, also, to your “security blanket”: my Holy Spirit. She alone will provide you with the comforting sense of familiarity, security, love and peace that you need to face the ups and downs of life as my child. Focus your attention on my Spirit and trust in me as your “Abba” (“Daddy”), and you will be the child that you long to be. I guarantee it!”

With tears on my cheeks and from the depths of my heart, I thank you, Abba, for the privilege and joy of being your child!

 

 

 

 

still

by hovering love

I was recently having lunch with a friend who asked me, “How did you acquire the peace that you have? What book did you read? What spiritual discipline did you practice?” My immediate thought was, “Wow! That’s a very good question!” After several minutes of reflection, an answer entered my thoughts.

How does one acquire peace? The answer is quite simple. First, you sit quiet and still, doing nothing, for a long enough period of time that you finally begin to hear what God is saying to you about you. Then, you continue to sit quiet and still as you slowly unpack and process what God is saying to you about you. This is followed by more sitting quiet and still as you wrestle and come to terms with what God is saying to you about you. At this point, you sit quiet and still as you slowly detach from and let go of all that God is saying to you about you. More sitting quiet and still occurs as you embrace and develop an acceptance of this entire process. And then one day as you are sitting quiet and still, you begin to recognize that something is different about you (don’t be surprised if this new awareness results from having someone share that you seem different to them); that you possess a sense of peace that you’ve never had before. You can’t seem to remember how many years have passed as you sat quiet and still, doing nothing, but you are grateful for these many years just the same because of how they have developed and deepened your heart and soul. You are keenly aware that what you have “done” (as you sat quiet and still, doing nothing) has been rather hard work. Indeed, it is a Herculean task for humans to sit quiet and still, doing nothing, as they listen and unpack and process and wrestle and come to terms with and detach from and let go of and embrace and accept. This gift of peace that God has graciously and generously given to you (for it truly is a gift) has been very “hard-earned” for you. It is, in fact, the hardest-earned gift that you will ever be given and receive. In addition to giving you peace, it will also fill your mind, heart, body and soul with a deep life and love and joy. And then what do you do? You sit quiet and still, listening to hear what God is saying to you about how he wants you to express and demonstrate your gift of peace with everyone who comes across your path today . . . and everyday.

quibble

by hovering love

“They were surprised and impressed—his teaching was so forthright, so confident, so authoritative, not the quibbling and quoting they were used to.”  Luke 4:32 (Message)

Quibble is rather a fun-sounding word, even if its meaning isn’t.  If all the other religious teachers in Jesus’ time “quibbled”—arguing, complaining, nitpicking over unimportant details, quoting other “authorities” to support their own points and ideas (I think today we might call that “name dropping”)—then Jesus’ approach of authenticity (speaking from what he knows to be true in his life and being) would be very refreshing indeed!  What a pleasant relief it must have been to hear Jesus teach!

Since not quibbling worked so well for Jesus, I can’t help but wonder why so many Christians today engage in it?  Nitpicking over nonessential doctrines and unimportant details only leads to division and disunity.  Arguing and complaining are simply symptoms of ego and pride, not humble self-sacrifice.  Validating your words by quoting popular or well-promoted Christian pastors and/or authors is frequently done to impress, and reveals a lack of true ownership for your own spirituality.  These words of mine may sound harsh, but are they untrue?      

Jesus knew who he was and how he was called by God.  He intentionally lived into his identity and his calling, trusting in the guidance and support that he received from the Father and the Holy Spirit.  Jesus possessed authority that had been given to him by his Father.  In addition, his authenticity regarding his true being and how he lived that out in his daily life naturally lended even more authority to his actions and teachings.  As Jesus’ followers, we have all received our own unique identity and calling from the Father.  The question is, are we choosing to waste precious time and energy quibbling or are we trusting our identity and calling in Christ and intentionally living into it?  As I ponder this question for myself, I hear Jesus say the following to me:     

“My sister and friend, I have planted my truth within you and it has grown.  There is more for you to learn, but you can be confident and authentic regarding what you have already received from me.  Your authenticity is your authority!  Claim what you do know.  Boldly proclaim it with your words and through your actions.  I have placed my authority within you—share it with me as we use it to our Father’s glory.”

Do I hear an “Amen!”?

process

by hovering love

process: a natural phenomenon marked by gradual changes that lead toward a particular result. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Faith is a process.

When life is going the way we desire, we can find ourselves basking in the illusion that our faith is solid and true. But what happens to our faith when harsh realities of life turn our basking into wailing and shatters our illusions all to hell? I don’t know about you, but when that happens to me I tend to get rather emotional. When a person professes to place their faith and trust in a God who is always good and gracious, what do we do with our emotions at a time like that?

How do I react when I’m feeling confused and disappointed by God? Anger is a natural first reaction in times of disappointment, confusion, frustration or loss. My second emotion speaks up very quickly and often accompanies the anger—hurt. As old as I am (and I’m certainly old enough, indeed), I am still caught off guard by the things in life that elicit a reaction of anger and hurt. This pair of emotions expresses itself in the form of whining, complaining and self-justification, none of which help me (or anyone else!) in any way. It’s usually a bit of time before I get around to acknowledging that God’s ways aren’t my ways, nor are his desires and plans likely to always match up with mine (if ever). An even longer amount of time passes before I’m willing to accept and trust that God’s ways are good—even though I can’t see any of God’s good in my present situation at that moment.   Slowly, humble acceptance and contentment come as gifts as I wait to see what God is doing/will do. Humble because I come to terms with the fact that I’m not God, and I see and know very little (if anything at all). Anger is no match for humility; it cannot remain strong in the presence of a truly humbled heart. Gradually, even the hurt within me begins to diminish and heal, being transformed into contentment. Only then am I truly willing to wait—upon God’s timing, and God’s gracious plan for all involved. I guess this process is necessary to enable me to let go of whatever attachments caused me to feel confused, disappointed, angry and hurt in the first place.

Faith is a process, a never-ending process.