valentine

I grew up as the only child of a single mom when divorce was uncommon and shame was attached to being from a “broken home”. My parents were separated while my mom was pregnant with me, and their divorce became final when I was only months old. The divorce was final in every way—I was completely abandoned by my father and his entire family upon my birth. As my mom slowly obtained better jobs with slowly increasing pay, we moved a lot—on average once every two years—to better apartments, better neighborhoods, better schools. As a child growing up, “love” for me consisted of very simple things: my mom picking me up from daycare and taking me home at the end of a long day; my grandma loving and respecting me for who I was (NO shame) and caring for me as her own child when my mom needed a hand; my grandpa allowing me to wrestle the slightest of grins from his lips as a result of the most absurd antics on my part (he had a tender heart, but was outwardly rather stoic); and my beloved confidante and pet poodle, Crissie, letting me dress her in my Chatty Cathy clothes to play and licking my tears away when she was the only one who saw me cry.

Like everyone else, I grew up as best I could. Adolescence and adulthood brought a myriad of complexities, struggles, stresses, and expectations—from the world around me, from loved ones and friends, and from myself. I had thought that when I grew up I would have all the answers and know which way to go, but I found out just how little I knew and how directionless I could be. Life and love didn’t seem so simple any more. Fortunately, that wasn’t to be the final trajectory of my life. Someone who had been watching over me as I progressed from birth (and even before then) made himself known to me: God. Hesitantly and warily at first, I slowly found myself grabbing for every bit of life and love, knowledge and understanding, direction and peace that God had to offer to me. Our journey together began 49 years ago, and I have experienced much in that time. I have wandered near and far, passing through many and varied stages, phases and developmental changes. Though I can easily become flustered and frustrated with life and myself on planet earth, I have come to accept the fact that I know very little and often have no idea of where I’m going next. It is a conundrum to me, but I have learned to be at peace with this truth and my reality.

From time to time, I feel unsettled, tired and confused—I sense that God is trying to teach me something that I can’t yet see or hear or perceive or understand or live. I want to know and live the truth—about God, about myself, about others, about life, about love. I desire the freedom to be all that God created me to be, and desires for me. I long for that which outwardly appears complex, but inwardly is really rather simple. That’s when God reminds me that his love and longing for me is strong, powerful, unbeatable and unending. He never has and never will leave me alone. He is completely and absolutely trustworthy. He watches me proudly as I continue to embrace all that I do know, perceive, understand and live regarding God and his kingdom ways. And he is always there to help me as I wait attentively and anticipate expectantly what he will reveal to me, and how he will direct me in all the days that I have yet to come.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Father God, Son Jesus, and Holy Spirit!

You are worthy of my love, and you have it. Your love for me is REAL!